Lunch

Lunch w a toddler:
Request leftover Chinese food. Eat chicken throw noodles on the floor.
See mom's toast & ham
Lick it, drop it on the floor
Step on it, pick up the ham & eat it
Declare you're full & need to play with playdoh
10 minute later request a smoothie
Ask mom why she isn't eating her toast

Supper

I asked mommy for hotdogs for supper but she made yucky chicken pot pot.
It has chicken, vegables, slimy sauce & bread on top. Bleck! Who likes vegables, slimy sauce & bread? Not me! So I eats the chicken, mush up the rest, pusheded it across the table & asks (mommy here more like demand) a cookie. Daddy says I has to eat 2 bites of supper first. TWO WHOLE REAL BITES!! He feeds me one & I chew it up & spit it out. So he gives me two more. I eats them, mostly & I gets my cookie. I picked all the chocolate out of it & beat the rest up. Then I asks (mommy again: demand) a bath. Mommy looked at daddy smiled, puts her coat on & LEAVED!! She just LEAVED!!! AND she was happy about a it! Daddy didn't look so happy but dat might has been about my cookie.

Mommy Leaved

I asked mommy for hotdogs for supper but she made yucky chicken pot pot.
It has chicken, vegables, slimy sauce & bread on top. Bleck! Who likes vegables, slimy sauce & bread? Not me! So I eats the chicken, mush up the rest, pusheded it across the table & asks (mommy here more like demand) a cookie. Daddy says I has to eat 2 bites of supper first. TWO WHOLE REAL BITES!! He feeds me one & I chew it up & spit it out. So he gives me two more. I eats them, mostly & I gets my cookie. I picked all the chocolate out of it & beat the rest up. Then I asks (mommy again: demand) a bath. Mommy looked at daddy smiled, puts her coat on & LEAVED!! She just LEAVED!!! AND she was happy about a it! Daddy didn't look so happy but dat might has been about my cookie.

Monsters in my room

There were monsters in my room last night. I got way scared. Mommy came in to fix it but then she left and I figured it was safest to sleep the rest of the night (mommy note: she came in at 12:30, I'd been asleep 2 hours) in her bed. One can't be too careful when it comes to monsters.

Toddler for Sale

I got up early again & have been in what mommy calls mischief mode. I don't think mommy slept great last night but I don't understand why. I slept awesome in her bed.  I just had second breakfast and she's already mentioned gypsies, adoption & eBay. I might have to call grandma for back up.

Cookie Dough

 I helpeded (mommy here: distracted is a better term) mommy make cookie dough. She left half the sugar out. The dough on the spoon I stole tasted yummy so maybe no one else will notice either but if they do I'll eats all those cookies.

Supper Smiles

I asked mommy for hotdogs for supper but she made yucky chicken pot pot.
It has chicken, vegables, slimy sauce & bread on top. Bleck! Who likes vegables, slimy sauce & bread? Not me! So I eats the chicken, mush up the rest, pusheded it across the table & asks (mommy here more like demand) a cookie. Daddy says I has to eat 2 bites of supper first. TWO WHOLE REAL BITES!! He feeds me one & I chew it up & spit it out. So he gives me two more. I eats them, mostly & I gets my cookie. I picked all the chocolate out of it & beat the rest up. Then I asks (mommy again: demand) a bath. Mommy looked at daddy smiled, puts her coat on & LEAVED!! She just LEAVED!!! AND she was happy about a it! Daddy didn't look so happy but dat might has been about my cookie.

Snacks

Tales from a Toddler, in pictures:

Mommy was busy with baby Elephant so I getted myself a snack

A word from Mommy

Mommy here: Sometimes rather than fight w the toddler about bedtime I just want to let her run & see how long it would take her to pass out & where she'd end up sleeping.

POOP!!!

Daddy thought since I did so awesome at Sam's that I could try big girl underpants. I was coloring & then there was PEE!!! So I ran to get new underpants & I tooted but it wasn't a toot! There was POOP!!!! Poop!! On my legs!! Ewwwww!! 
Guess I wasn't ready.

Sam's Club Surprise

Went to Sam's club. I looooove Sam's club on Saturday, so many snacks!!! I make sure we stop for all of them. I had a big surprise for mommy. I taked my diaper off before we leaved. Mommy didn't find out until she pickeded me up to put me in my car seat. Mommy saided diapers are not toptional when we leaves the house. But I told her it's ok because I not peed.

Timeout

Actual conversation with the 2 year old
Toddler: 'every time mommy puts me in my chair for timeout I poop!' 
Daddy: 'why do you do this?' 
Toddler: 'bc it gets me out of timeout fast!'

Busted in the Bathroom

I hunted the whole house for my big brother bear. 'Bear! Bear! Where are you?' I heard him hollar to me that he was on the moon. Then I find him. He was not on the moon. He was on the toilet and in a mood. I love the pocket doors on the bathroom. 😂🚽

STOP!!! STOP!! STOP!!!!!

Mommy has used the word 'STOP' so many times this week that it's lost all meaning. No seriously what does it mean & why does she keep saying it at increasingly loud volumes?

Mommy's looking for Chocolate

I've been up since 5:45, the sun wasn't even shining but I knew I needed a Popsicle. Mommy said no & made me eat cereal. 
Mommy has that weird thing going on with her eyes, where they look 2 different ways at once & has put my sassy, saucy butt in time out a million and two times already. I think I'm posed to stop doing something screaming? Screeching? Saying no? I don't know, it's hard to member things when you gets up before the sun. 
I'm playing nice with my babies for now but only to avoid taking a nap. A really great melt down is coming prolely before lunch. 
Mommy keeps looking for chocolate & talking about running away or hiding. I'll totally find her if she hides.

Helpful?!

I've been super helpful today. I feed elephant. He didn't seem to enjoy having the bottle put in his nose or ear but he's little so I'm sure he'll like it soon. I brushed my teeth. The bathroom sink looks & smells great!! I put my shoes on myself, it took 25 minutes & mom turned fun shades of purple waiting on me. Then I emptied the diaper bag right before we needed to leave just to make sure we had everything. I know mommy filled it but sometimes she forgets things. Like today there was only 1 bag of fruit snacks which isn't nearly enough. I'm glad I told her that as I ate them. I'd hate to not have enough fruit snacks.

The letter P

Mommy Here: I asked the toddler what we should have for supper tonight & she responded 'Popsicles, pancakes & popcorn.' So I guess today was brought to you by the letter P

Art

Mommy took 5 minutes to inhale 5 bites of chicken & 2 bites of cake while reading something. I took the opportunity to paint the wall w raspberry yogurt. Mommy looked up and yelled 'no! No! No!' As she ran across the room. I looked at her and asked 'why' 'bc we don't paint the walls with yogurt!' 'Why?' I asked 'bc it's food!! We don't paint the walls with food!!' 'Why?' I asked again. My butt is back in timeout & I'm still confused as to why painting w food is bad.

A Toddler & the Toilet

Mommy here:  I should know it's dangerous if the toddler is quiet. Took me a few minutes but found her in the kids bathroom putting tons of toilet paper in the toilet, fishing it out & fling the water all over kingdom come.... Guess that's one way to get a bath.

No skin please

yesterday at lunch mommy gave me a red apple. It had SKIN on it!! I don't eat skins!! They're agusting!! I told mommy skins are agusting & she gave me the eat your lunch look so I ate the first Apple like it was watermelon & left the yucky skin but then she gives me that eat look again so I eat some skin & I gagged & choked & coughed & almost died!! So mommy take my plate & cutted the skins off the apples & I eated them all gone. Skins really are agusting.

bath = I win

Mushed refried beans in my hands at supper. Flung my hands up & down trying to get them off & smacked daddy in the face with beans & cheese. Mommy laughed so hard she almost fell out of her chair but told me to stop & not do it anymore. I'm totally confused but hey I got a bath so I win.

half an hour later to daddy: 'Hey dad I'm in the bath are you gonna wash me or something??' 

Back in Timeout

Since mommy was busy w elephant I decided it was a prime time to strip down to just my cami, color on sister's art project, flip over the gym/mat thing so elephant can't use it, get in fridge where I devoured a cheese stick & some milk & then for good measure I swatted elephant w a diaper. 
I'm back in timeout... This spot definitely needs a to be redecorated, I wonder if mommy would notice if I brought in my crayons.

Bathroom Helpper

Mommy went to the bathroom. Certain she would never come out alive if I wasn't there to ensure her safety I ran after her & handed her anything she might possibly need such as TP, towels, bath toys, hairbrush, bobby pins to name a few. I even pushed on her belly and chanted 'pooop mommy poooooop! Get it all out.' just to make sure she knew what to do. Whatever did mommy do before I arrived?

Mommy is a fun killer

mommy told me not to pick up the elephant so when she laid him on the floor on the mat w the toys hanging all over it I just drug the mat & him around the floor laughing & squealing. His eyes got very big mommy says it's cuz I terrify him. She told me to stop & that she'd put me back in timeout if I do it again. Mommy is a fun killer.

Dumb bag

Came into mommy's room for cuddles she gave me 30 seconds of cuddles (mom edit it was 30 minutes) & put me in my bed. That was not enough time so I used sub-pump monster & came back. She gave me 10 seconds (mommy again 15 minutes) & put me in MY bed again. This time she gave me her way awesome minky blanket to sleep with so I acted like I would stay & I did stay until she was asleep. Then I freaked her out when I woke her up. I find a good freak out from a dead sleep usually gets me right into mommy's bed but last night she laid me down in her room ON THE FLOOR!! In a bag! I'm not groceries I don't go in a bag!! But mommy said sleep there or on my own bed! There's a monster & mommy knows that so clearly my own bed is Not. An. Option. So I lay on the bag bc I'm not getting in it & wait. Once mommy is good & sleeping I sneak in her bed, cuddle daddy, push mommy to the edge, I gave her like 6 inches of mattress 😂😂😂 & sleep there ALL night. Bet she won't put me back in that dumb bag.

It's all about the Toddler

Mommy here: The toddler in my bed bc 'I need a few more cuddles' 2 minutes later 'I need covers & a pillow' 2 more minutes 'mom could you move? I'm not so comforble'

When I grow up

Mommy here: Christopher, the 17 year old, just asked the toddler what she wants to be when grows up. She responded 'a chicken'. Well there's a goal

Lunch

mommy was busy with THAT elephant baby so I made myself lunch. She didn't approve. I'm back in timeout.

Mommy note: In mommy's defense she only got put in timeout bc she didn't ask & she climbed on the counter. We must be safe!

Baby Elephant

Mommy has allowed a baby to come to our house. It is a boy & his name is baby elephant (Elliot) I am not allowed to hold him, carry him, pull him around by his arms, drop things on his head, stick his pacifier in his eye, take his bottle away or eat his toes... I know there more nos on the list but this is all I can remember for today

Smelly butt hands

Took my pants & diaper off while in time out & explored my entire diaper area. Got out of time out & rubbed my smelly butt hands all over mommy's face & laughed. She put a clean diaper on, washed my hands with the yucky soap, wouldn't let me play in the water & put me back in time out. I guess butt hands are gross to grown-ups.

Clean up

mommy said I needed to stay in the playroom bc we were playing.... She thinks I'm nuts bc she was totally cleaning not playing. I told her 'no momma you cleaning, not playing.' She put me in timeout for being saucy.

Monster under my bed

a monster has moved in under my bedroom. Mommy has named it Sub-pump. It is loud & terrifying but has proven to be the perfect excuse to climb into mommy & daddy's bed. I cuddled in & fell asleep on mommy's shoulder. Sub-pump is welcome to stay.

**Update: I have been betrayed. Sub-pump is still here but one of my traitorous parents still put me in my bed in my room when I fell asleep. This can not happen again or I am certain to be eaten. Must convince clueless parents of this danger.

Dear Toddler & Family

Dear toddler, 
You are not a piggy bank stop trying to eat the loose change you keep finding. 
💗 your, I don't have time for an ER trip,mommy

Dear family, 
See my previous dear toddler letter & stop leaving change laying around.
💗your, I'm going to make you sift through the poppy diapers if she swallows a coin, mommy

Late Night Poop

Woke up at 130 needing a diaper change, no mommy is going to deny a diaper change. Mommy was in a dead sleep. Score!! She changed my yucky pants & when she went to throw the grossness away I climbed in her bed & snuggled daddy. To tired to notice I got to stay there the rest of the night. Must remember this tactic.

Naked?

Mommy Here: Today she felt no need to wear her dress while at church. Thankfully it zips in the back but that didn't keep her from trying to convince me to take it off of her. Sorry church requires more than piggy tails, bows & ruffled socks

Just Another Saturday

Welcome to Saturday in toddlerville where a ponytail & pink bow were a essential but clothes are totally not necessary.

Breakfast

I made Mommy breakfast in bed